July 4, 2009

• Existential Angst

  I am scared to death that I'm falling into mediocrity.

  I guess I should add some context. Like most people, I want to believe that I'm something special, that there's a quality in me that people can see and admire. Moreover, there's a part of me that's convinced that somehow, I'm exceptional, that there's something in me that will make me famous, that will make a mark on the world. Every day, the belief in the latter dies a little more. I know that I do have good qualities. I'm fairly intelligent, I'm a decent programmer, and I'm good enough at singing that people will compliment me on it. Back when I practiced, I wasn't half bad at swing dancing. I've had people tell me that I'm good at listening to them, and that I've given good advice in the past. I'm good at revising papers, tuning them to make them better. *shakes head* I guess, at the core of it, I have unrealistic expectations, of myself, always have. Anything I do, there's something in the back of my mind saying that I could be exceptional, that one day my talent will be recognized, that I'll make that breakthrough that will put me in the books. And, well, I'm starting to realize that it's as rational as the bit in my mind that whispers that I could fly if I really believed that I could (for those worried about me, no, I don't get these thoughts near cliff edges or anything. :-p I may be irrational, but I'm not crazy). Best case is that I'll live an ordinary life. I'll have my job which I'll be adequate in. I'll have my hobbies which I'll be good enough at to enjoy. And, God willing, I'll have a loving wife and kids to dote upon and bring up to be good people.

  And, I guess that's a major source of my angst. I'm having trouble holding onto that hope of finding the right girl. So many of my friends are married, having kids, living life in love. Me... it's been months at least since I last even had a date. I just can't seem to find the right girl. Or maybe, I've found the right girl, but I haven't realized, or I just haven't figured out how to let her into my life. Girls I've known in the past flash through my mind and there's this constant litany of "you should have tried" ringing through my mind. I know I have fairly high standards. I know that I have some rigid criteria. But goshdarnit... there has to be some Catholic musical theatrical drop-dead gorgeous redhead out there for me! :-p Heck, I'll settle for just the first so long as they understand that theater and music will always be part of my life. *sigh* Meh... keep on trying, right? It's the old door-to-door salesman adage, that if you try 10 doors and 9 get slammed in your face, you're still making one sale out of every ten. Thing is, in this case, you have to wedge your heart into that doorframe every time, knowing the door's probably going to get slammed into it, but you're never going to make the sale if you don't.

  So... yeah. I want to be somebody. And really, I want to be that somebody for that one person. Whoever she is. And I wouldn't mind doing something great, something...

  And... I probably should leave it at that, but one of my original points was that part of the problem with me doing great things is that I recognize in myself a certain laziness which precludes it, that I won't even have the chance to do something great unless I buckle down. And in my heart, I know that that is unlikely. So, ultimately, the failure is completely mine own. And I can't change that without being someone else.

  • 2:46 am
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