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He took a foot to the face at 5 MPH

So, I'm really beginning to think that I'm just not well-suited for Capoeira. Practice wasn't horrible, although I still get tired and out of breath too quickly and I continue to have trouble with maintaining my balance on the kicks. Then, we did roda, the sparring circle. Except, it's not really sparring in the sense of most martial arts. It's kind of like a breakdance competition in some ways except that you do direct attacks at the other person, albeit without much force behind them and frequently intentionally kicking high when they duck. And I'm not used to that. Every other style I've done, you're not trying to hurt the other person, but you have to attack with intent. Here, I just can't seem to get the hang of it. Some of it's the inability to manage both the speed and the control. Even when I'm not directing any force into my kicks, it still has a fair amount of mass to it and to get my kicks above waist-high, I have to accelerate it a fair amount. If I try to take it slow, I just wind up getting tagged continuously in the ring and I'm told to do more. If I bring up the speed, I risk accidentally clocking someone. And when people jump in with a kick, my natural reaction is to defend myself and reflexes usually don't listen to the control side nearly as well. And there's other aspects too. I just don't get a lot of the movements. To paraphrase Zorba the Greek, "I think too much, boss." And when I just relax and let myself roll with it, that's when my combat instincts take over. Lastly, my endurance is lousy and that works against me for this style. There's a lot of extra movement in the style, dodging and flourishes, and I just can't do those if I want to be able to breathe when the attack comes in. My teacher once told me that the style emphasizes dodging over blocking or taking hits because you have to be ready to fight the next day. But, for me, if I try to do the dodges, I can't fight the guy I'm against now. Except, again, I'm thinking fighting and this is not fighting! Och! But the lack of endurance is hurting me on this issue too because as I get more tired, I drop further into my combat reflexes and it's harder to get my aching muscles to halt a kick in mid-motion because the other person forgot to dodge.

So, what happened today was that I was aiming a front kick at the guy and he dropped into a crouch. I don't know whether my foot dropped because I was trying to re-chamber to avoid over-extending or if Ijust automatically tracked the moving target, but I caught him lightly on the chin with my foot. Hitting people on the ground is a big no-no here (although I've never gotten a good answer for what one is supposed to do when the other person goes to ground), at least if you're still upright. I didn't mean to hit him at that. But it was just the topping of a night where my control was just not adequate. And, it may have been because I was already feeling down on myself for having accidentally tagged him, but I got the impression that no one believed me when I said it was an accident. Or maybe they just felt that it was an accident that would not have happened if I'd been adequately skilled. I don't know. Either way, this whole thing has got me a bit in the dumps. I'm going to keep going, of course — I signed a contract with them and I'm not going to throw away money — but I may have to make some decisions once the contract is up as to whether I want to continue. Maybe I'll try the Krav Maga school in the area.... won't do anything for removing combat reflexes, but maybe I'll take more to it. I really want to enjoy Capoeira. It's just... not agreeing with me.

Currently The Falcon at the Portal (Amelia Peabody, Book 11) By Elizabeth Peters see related

Existential Angst

I guess I should add some context. Like most people, I want to believe that I'm something special, that there's a quality in me that people can see and admire. Moreover, there's a part of me that's convinced that somehow, I'm exceptional, that there's something in me that will make me famous, that will make a mark on the world. Every day, the belief in the latter dies a little more. I know that I do have good qualities. I'm fairly intelligent, I'm a decent programmer, and I'm good enough at singing that people will compliment me on it. Back when I practiced, I wasn't half bad at swing dancing. I've had people tell me that I'm good at listening to them, and that I've given good advice in the past. I'm good at revising papers, tuning them to make them better. *shakes head* I guess, at the core of it, I have unrealistic expectations, of myself, always have. Anything I do, there's something in the back of my mind saying that I could be exceptional, that one day my talent will be recognized, that I'll make that breakthrough that will put me in the books. And, well, I'm starting to realize that it's as rational as the bit in my mind that whispers that I could fly if I really believed that I could (for those worried about me, no, I don't get these thoughts near cliff edges or anything. :-p I may be irrational, but I'm not crazy). Best case is that I'll live an ordinary life. I'll have my job which I'll be adequate in. I'll have my hobbies which I'll be good enough at to enjoy. And, God willing, I'll have a loving wife and kids to dote upon and bring up to be good people.

And, I guess that's a major source of my angst. I'm having trouble holding onto that hope of finding the right girl. So many of my friends are married, having kids, living life in love. Me... it's been months at least since I last even had a date. I just can't seem to find the right girl. Or maybe, I've found the right girl, but I haven't realized, or I just haven't figured out how to let her into my life. Girls I've known in the past flash through my mind and there's this constant litany of "you should have tried" ringing through my mind. I know I have fairly high standards. I know that I have some rigid criteria. But goshdarnit... there has to be some Catholic musical theatrical drop-dead gorgeous redhead out there for me! :-p Heck, I'll settle for just the first so long as they understand that theater and music will always be part of my life. *sigh* Meh... keep on trying, right? It's the old door-to-door salesman adage, that if you try 10 doors and 9 get slammed in your face, you're still making one sale out of every ten. Thing is, in this case, you have to wedge your heart into that doorframe every time, knowing the door's probably going to get slammed into it, but you're never going to make the sale if you don't.

So... yeah. I want to be somebody. And really, I want to be that somebody for that one person. Whoever she is. And I wouldn't mind doing something great, something...

And... I probably should leave it at that, but one of my original points was that part of the problem with me doing great things is that I recognize in myself a certain laziness which precludes it, that I won't even have the chance to do something great unless I buckle down. And in my heart, I know that that is unlikely. So, ultimately, the failure is completely mine own. And I can't change that without being someone else.

Life... and Death

Dead At 80

From Heart Attack

View my profile: FuzzyBoots

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Currently Night Prey By John Sandford see related

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Was someone abducted?

Either I had some very strange dreams last night, or sometime in the early morning one of my neighbors got dragged kicking and screaming into an ambulance. At first, I thought I'd left the TV on, then remembered that I don't have cable and I've not set up rabbit ears (actually, rabbit ears probably don't work anymore what with digital broadcast, I guess...). And I didn't have the TV on last night, but it also randomishly turns on and changes channels (I suspect that one of my neighbors has a remote on the same frequency). Anyhow, once I realized it wasn't the TV and it wasn't the tape player (I'm in a habit of using self-made self-hypnosis scripts to help me relax and drift into sleep. I had one time where the tape I was using wasn't completely cleaned and I wound up with political commentary followed by a baby crying some minutes after the script had completed. That was weird to wake up to), I noticed that there were flashing lights through my curtain. I discreetly drew back the curtain (there's been a police action or two in the complex and I didn't want to get shot by mistake [yes, I know, paranoid and all]) and saw a police car pulled up beside, an EMT pulling a gurney out of the back of the ambulance, and some people standing by. The background noise was angry (female, I think) yelling and moaning, appropriate for a psychotic episode or maybe just bad alcohol poisoning (I've heard people sound like that when they're in that "puke up your guts over and over again and swear you'll never drink again" phase), and a fair amount of banging as if someone were running into walls and furniture. I considered stepping out and asking what I could do to help, but then decided that things were beyond my ken, closed the window, restarted my tape, and went back to sleep. In the morning, there was no sign that any of it had happened. Maybe I'll run into my neighbor and I can ask after it. *shrug*